To the snake in my back yard:
I realize that you have been hanging around for at least a week now. I know because we have seen more and more of each other lately. Apparently you didn't believe me the other day when I told you could stay as long as I didn't see you. I thought maybe we could make this work when you slithered off into the crack in the wood. And then two days ago you were in the flowers near the tree when I was trying to work on the sprinklers - I told you that you needed to move but you wouldn't budge. I tossed a rock at you and you just stuck your tongue out at me. You finally slithered off and I was able to get my work done. But today! Today was the last straw. I was trying to find and fix a leak somewhere in the stream. I looked around and didn't see you so I set to work. Imagine my surprise when I lifted a rock and there you were. (The neighbors didn't have to imagine it - they heard it.) And there you sat, and sat and sat and sat (or whatever it is that snakes do). I realize my fear of snakes is probably irrational, many people like to have snakes in their yard to eat stuff... or some other good reason I just don't understand. So go live there! Because of your stubbornness I am forced to contact my relocation services and evict you. Effective immediately.
PS Your family members that have now shown themselves will be soon be joining you.