Go Forth

It's probably no secret, especially to those closest to me, that I have struggled a bit with the whole "empty nest" thing... empty being the key word.  I have moments when I feel a bit lost and unsure of what my purpose is and what my direction my life should take. I have also felt the need to have faith and move forward. I have felt peace that as I continue doing what I'm doing, my path will unfold before me. God has a plan for me - a personal, individual plan - I just don't know what it is just yet. While I have felt this in my heart and it makes sense in my head, sometimes my heart forgets. Sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if I shouldn't be doing something different. Maybe I should get a job where I could make money. Maybe I should go back to school and get a graduate degree... I have lots of options. Sometimes I feel so unsettled and I wonder. 

And then this morning 180 voices sang in unison, 

"The errand of angels is given to women, and this is a gift that as sisters we claim, 

to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name" 

add 180 soprano voices coming over the top " Go forth...go forth". 

These words penetrated my whole heart and soul. This is my purpose and direction. Care for my family and be available to serve and help. I  knew this before but it seemed so vague. This morning though, it was direct and clear. I had to regain my composure to be able to continue to sing. 

Stop fretting... keep moving... trust me. 

I can do that. 

End of a Era

I dropped Jennifer off at Heritage Halls today.

We have been making quick trips over to her dorm room to drop stuff off for two days now but today I came home without her. I felt like crying in the car but it seemed silly. I am so excited for her - a new phase of life.

I remember so clearly the day my dad dropped me off at Heritage Halls. I was in Young Hall. Excited and very nervous. We unloaded my stuff. Stood there awkwardly for a moment (as I subdued the urge to grab my suitcase and go home with him), we hugged and he was gone. I kind of wanted to cry - I could have too because none of my roommates were there - but I unpacked instead. My home was over 700 miles away and I knew no one. Soon enough, my roommates were there and it was like a big slumber party as we got to know each other over the next few days. Then the learning began in earnest - classroom learning but more importantly - real life learning.

Jennifer is not even close to the first one I have dropped off at Heritage Halls. Every time it has meant a change in our family. New dynamics, sometimes a change of bedrooms for those left at home. I have mourned a little at the end of my "active mothering phase" for each child, but today was different. I came home to a silent empty home. (Christian will move out in two days but he was at work.) I am now the mother of all adult children. My children no longer need me in the same way they used to. They do not need me to pack lunches, cook their dinners or remind them of things. No more piano recitals, meetings with school counselors or Scout/YW evenings. Do I celebrate or cry? Both I think.

Tonight, I miss my children; I miss my grandchildren and the house and my heart seem empty. I wonder and hope that I have taught them what they need to be successful in life - but I can still teach, mentor and love them, it's just different.

On Friday my life will go back to what it was like some thirty years ago. Just me and my best friend - only it will be different. Our life is so much fuller and richer - closely tied and bound together in an ever growing circle of amazing friends that we also call our children; our grandchildren are a whole new generation who are in need of "active grandmothering" even if it is done by long distance.

Tonight my feelings are tender, but tomorrow the sun will rise on a beautiful new day. New opportunities and decisions will present themselves, and I will try to be ready.

There are some distinct advantages to just being the two of us again - it will be like falling in love all over again.

The Grinch... and David Archuleta

I grew up in the olden days...

you know, way back before VCR's and VHS*.

I grew up in the day where each Christmas special
was shown on TV one evening a year... 

usually at 7:00 or 8:00 on a weeknight

in December, and if you missed it...


well, Christmas just wasn't the same.

I had my favorites:


       Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

Frosty the snowman,
  and his cute friend Karen

The Little Drummer boy
who's name was Aaron...hmmm

 - Amazing how they got those figures to move like they did.
It was technology at it's finest.

And of course How the Grinch Stole Christmas. 

My love for movies with character development began early. 

Times changes though, which is a good thing.

VCR's and VHS came along allowing people to watch these treasures whenever they wanted.
Even if it wasn't Christmas time.

When Christian was 2, he and his friend Celeste loved to watch

the dog pulling the Grinch down the mountain
(just watch the first few minutes)
I always knew where they were at in the movie because
they would begin laughing hysterically.

Things continued to change as my kids grew.
Soon nobody was watching the Grinch, even at Christmas time.

When it was time to decorate the tree
I had to round up people to come and do it with me,
 schedule it way in advance... or just do it myself.

I discovered that it's not as fun to have a "decorator tree" as I thought it would be.
Over time getting ready for Christmas began to feel like a chore.
Like I was obligated to create something that no one really cared about.
I began to understand the the Grinch,
my heart felt a few sizes too small when it came to Christmas.

But what to do.

I was feeling guilty that I felt this way when a dear friend
posted this link on Facebook
(to say she is a HUGE David Archuleta fan would be gross understatement)

Twenty two seconds was all it took
My Grinchy heart began to grow again.

That was my answer.
HIS LOVE


Do the things that would help me
and those around me feel
HIS LOVE.

All the rest doesn't really matter.
The tree, the presents, all the fluff.
Turns out the Whoos had it right!



so Wahoo doraa, Da hoo doraa Welcome Christmas come this way.
(are you singing it in your head?)

I'm not sure what Christmas will look like at my house this year
but I hope that I and those around me will feel more clearly
His Love
If so, then Christmas will be a huge success.

(excuse me while I go sing the rest of the song)
 (start it at 3:30 is you want to hear it)

*you can look it up on Wikipedia if you don't know what I'm talking about.

If I had money to burn

Or maybe more accurately - if I wasn't so cheap

I'd get these:

source

to put above my bed once the bedroom is redone.

Wouldn't it look great on a white wall with the other walls Benjamin Moore Wythe blue*?

But I think I'd want it about 30 inches across instead of 20...

source

and one of these with the initials of my grandchildren

including baby Kate of course.

source

I'd find a place to put this.

And while I'm dreaming I'll take one of these too:

I'd be OK with either one...

 not sure where I'd put it 

but if I had money to burn I'm sure I could figure something out

...maybe as an entrance to my Kindermusik studio

(yes I would keep teaching and you better believe I would use it!)

Have to get the old cheap copycat brain to work on the first two anyway...

* Benjamin Moore Wythe Blue

First Date

 Last week Jennifer was asked to homecoming by a very nice young man in band. It was her first date. We bought her a new dress and Cecily came over and did her hair. She looked stunning. I wish the lighting was better (and Amy was closer), these pictures do not do her justice (but they will have to suffice).

They had a very nice dinner with another couple at Joseph's house, went to the dance and then back to Joseph's house for dessert.

 
I suppose I should say something here about my baby growing up and how I can hardly believe it... while that's true my overriding feelings are ones of awe and pride... the good kind of pride, the kind that you feel when you know that she has made good choices in her life and has such a bright future. When you know that while her dad and I did have some influence on her, as did her siblings, most of all we try to stay out of her way and allow her to shine.

And shine she does.

Getting better

Tuesday was a little rough for Mark, and I was a little anxious in the morning.

He slept and rested and I taught Kindermusik and we both felt pretty good by afternoon

Wednesday Mark rested well, napping in the morning an afternoon.

Again, I taught Kindermusik, checking on him between classes.

It was a beautiful day and in the afternoon we went for a walk around the park

and then around the block, stopping to talk and visit as we went. All in all he was up and about for probably two hours or more. Then, just for fun, and because he still felt pretty good, Jennifer drove him to the High School for some parent teacher conferences. He was tempted to go meet our new missionaries at the MTC but chose not to. Mark was tired and Aaron was arriving late that night. He would be staying with us while he attended a research conference for former Accounting students who are now in PhD programs. We were up late, too late.

Thursday morning was rough for a number of reasons: up late, rough night, and it's the third day since the crash. Turns out the doctors knew what they were talking about... the pain is worse the third day. Took it easy in the morning, good nap in the afternoon and by evening he was feeling pretty good.

Friday he was up and showered early enough to go with Aaron to the meetings at the conference. He is doing really well but as they drove away I began to feel anxious. This is the first time he's been out of the house and away from me since the accident. What if he passes out, what if he over does it...he's a big boy, and Aaron's there to keep an eye on him. He'll be OK. But I still felt anxious.

Then I started to think about him riding his bike again - not that it will be in the next week - but I know that at one point he will jump on that bike again and ride away just at he did Monday - and as he has done thousands of times. I know there are risks involved, there are risks no matter where we are or what we are doing. But right now the reality that I may loose him someday is pressing on my mind. I begin to wonder when, how will it happen? Will it begin like the call I received Monday night...only what I find when I arrive at the hospital will be different...?

I suppose this has always been the case. Really it's the same when he goes to work or I go the gym or grocery store. There are no guarantees in this life. So how to I but this fear behind me?

I know that he and I are sealed forever. While we will most likely be separated in this life at some point I know it will be a temporary separation - for this life only. And then, when we have both passed on we will be together forever, never to be apart again. I know that I'm not alone. I am surrounded by so many who love and support me and my family. 

Ultimately it comes to fear vs. faith. I need to remember to trust. Trust God. Trust that he will hear and answer my prayers and also trust that He knows not only what is best for me and for Mark but for all of God's children. I'm not saying God pulled some strings to cause the accident. We have our agency and sometimes we act in ways that hurt or injure others, God won't take away our agency. But we can repent and make it right through the atonement. And the atonement is also there to help and strengthen us through our pains, sorrows and challenges that come through our own weaknesses, through the mistakes of others or just come as part of the life experience.

And is all these trials we are never alone. That comforts me and helps me have faith. 

Chris warned me that I might feel this way

and helped me prepare for when these feelings came.

Thanks Chris... it helped me today.

De ja vu - well sort of

This is a long post.
It is more for me than for anyone else.
To help me process, to help me remember how blessed I was last night and to help me deal with all the feelings that are going through me right now.

And to answer the questions many people have asked.

Monday evening just past 6 Jenn and I were preparing for a friend who would be joining us for dinner. Our friend arrived a little early and Mark wasn't home from his bike ride yet... a little odd but I didn't think much about it. A few minutes later my phone rang. It was Timpanogos Hospital ER informing me that Mark had been in an accident and asked if I could come right down. She asked if I knew where the hospital was, I repeated back to her the nearest cross streets and we hung up. I relayed the message to Jenn and Danny, we turned off burners, put the meat in the fridge, our friend quickly left and we headed to the hospital.

The whole way there I was trying to recall the details of my conversation with the woman at the hospital and was mad that I didn't ask more question. He was on a back board. He was awake because he told them it was OK to call me - not in a coma, that's good. Jenn texted the kids while I drove to let them know what was going on and then offered a prayer.

When we arrived Mark was out of the room getting a CAT scan. A CAT scan... hmmm. I asked around to get more information. We found out that he was hit by a longboarder on the river trail and was unconscious for at least 10 minutes. I felt sick inside and angry.

Robbie and Cecily joined Jenn and I at the ER after a few minutes. Mark was soon wheeled back in awake and not in too much pain. He told us that he was almost home, riding past the parking lot by the bridge at 8th North and University. He slowed down as he approached this area because it was often crowded and kind of a dangerous area. He saw one long boarder come out of the parking area and then a few moments later another one shot out right in front of him. He saw Mark and jumped off his skate board. Mark tried to bunny hop the deserted board but didn't make it. He woke up 10 minutes later in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. His left side took the brunt of the impact cracking a rib and breaking his left radius near the elbow also bruising his hip and shoulder. He lost skin from his cheek, chin, both knees, assorted fingers and knuckles and has a scrape across his chest. They didn't discover the elbow was broken until they were helping him sit up and get into the wheelchair. He requested that they x-ray it and sure enough - a compression fracture.

When we finally got him home it was after 9:00pm. Mark hadn't had much to drink and nothing to eat since his bikeride. He sat up to the bar and was about to start eating when he told us he felt light headed, like he was going to pass out. I turned to get something more for him when Cecily said, "He IS going to pass out". Robbie stood on one side of him and I hurried to the other and just moments later he went limp. Cecily and Jenn could see all the color drain from him and he kind of twitched and began to sweat profusely. My shirt was wet where his head leaned against me. When he came to we got him something to drink and tried to get him talking when he passed out again. Cecily was very calm and suggested that we lay him on the ground and elevate his feet. I was told Jenn to get our neighbor to help lay Mark on the ground, I was afraid I would drop him while we were trying to move him. Mark came to again. Jenn came back in a few minutes, the neighbor she went to get was out of town but a different one was passing by and I'm really not sure how he ended up coming over but I'm glad he did. While we laid him on the floor I had Jenn call our good friend and Mark's doctor, Chris Wood. He used to live next door but lives in North Salt Lake. Cecily was awesome and calm, just what I needed.  I described what was going on to Chris and he gave me some instructions and things to watch for. We gave him some OJ and other liquids to get his blood sugar and volume up. At some point we called our faithful home teacher to come and help give him a blessing. As Mark ate and drank his color got better and he could carry on a conversation and not slur his words. We began to breathe a little easier watching the color return to his face and he began joking and talking. Chis called back a few minutes later to let me know he was on his way. Mark was given a beautiful blessing of healing and comfort by Robbie and the other bretheren. After a 20 minutes or so laying on the floor, Mark was looking pretty good and the men helped Mark up and into the chair in the living room. We put blankets on him and got more food into his system along with some pain medication. He seemed more like his old self more and more. Our wonderful neighbor headed home and our home teacher stayed a bit longer.

Before long Chris arrived and we looked at the CD of Mark's CAT scan and xrays. Chris examined Mark and didn't find any evidence of internal bleeding. Mark and I were so touched that he would drive all this way in the middle of the night to check on him. But he came for me too. He realized how scared I was and how overwhelming all this was for me and gave me instructions too along with a prescription for anxiety which I was reluctant to get filled but glad I did.

While in the ER Robbie took a picture of Mark and posted it on facebook. The calls, prayers and well wished rolled in. We were overwhelmed by the love and support we feel. In addition to getting this out of my head and in to some tangible form that I could deal with I wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to those who were there for us in a second's notice. I feel so blessed. I'm sure the next few days will be a challenge but I know we are certainly not alone.

In over three decades of our married life it has been me that has given birth, had my appendix out, had other health challenges... including getting taken out by a longboarder. I can't remember a time when my wonderful husband has been the one lying there while I felt helpless. This is new and I don't like it. Tonight I feel exhaused, vunerable, and very very aware of how fragile life is. But I do not feel alone. I feel so loved, so supported and carried - and I'm not the one hurt. The efforts made today to support our family were such kind acts, so needed and given because others knew what we needed and were willing to drop what they were doing to help us. That was a whole huge group of tender mercies and love. Thank you! I am reminded each moment that God knows each of us personally and attends to our needs often through our friends and neighbors - the angels who surround us all the time.

Feast and Famine...

This morning I spent 45 minutes in a room full of energetic two-year-olds. 

Even though I've taught this same lesson twice already this week, this particular group wanted to be up and moving... all the time...so that's what we did, we had most of our class on our feet. It was fun and challenging and caused me to think deeply and creatively to adapt the lesson plan to the needs of these little ones in the moment.

 And then, the last tiny pair of sandals was filled and gone and my house was calm. 

Completely quiet.

Silent and very still. 

I took a breath and looked around.

 It felt good. 

I love my life. 

I have lists of things that need doing but not sure what I wanted to do. 

Check out pinterest, check my email, make lunch, finish the laundry... 

Really what I wanted to do was to play with my grandchildren, have lunch with their parents, especially their mothers - telling them again how amazing they are and to remind them that while it may seem that the things they do day after day after day are mundane and repetitive... they are doing the most important things they could be doing... ever. All those little things count, the spilled cheerios, the smears on mom's shirt, the endless laundry, all the little hassles and issues that seem as though life would be so much easier to just give in, just this morning... but you don't. What you are doing is building people,



one moment at a time. And before you know it these moments will have added up to years and decades and you will marvel                                                      

that the child once laying on the floor kicking and screaming now has a child of their own... doing exactly the same thing. And what you desire now... a clean house and 15 minutes of quiet calm that you can choose to do anything you like... will be yours.

And there may be days when you long for someone to come over and fill your home with noise, spill  cheerios on the floor, get your shirt a little soiled and put their sweet chubby arms around your neck.

Funny how that goes.

 Feast and famine... but really it's all feasting.

                 Life is good.

and it's time to get back to my list.

Always lists

Thank goodness.

Strings Attached

photo courtesy of Amy

Tuesday morning Jenn and I went running with our neighbor, Karen. Mark would be leaving soon to fly to New Jersey for a business trip and would be home Friday evening. Amy's Jordan had been out of town the week before and had left again on Monday for another business trip. Last week was a rough one for Amy and this week would be her birthday. We had looked into airplane tickets to fly her and the kids out here but they were too expensive. Still... my heart ached at the thought of her being alone with two little ones on her birthday. There had to be something we could do. I began to assemble a package to send to her with some new fun things for Ruby to do and a little something for her too. As we were running I lamented to Karen about wanting to be with Amy, and Karen said, "Well, drive out there!". Duhhhh! why didn't I think of that! Jenn and I got back from our run around 7:45, talked to Mark as he was heading out the door and arranged to take the Mazda. We quickly packed, I taught Kindermusik from 10:00 to 10:45 and we were on the road by 11:15. We called Amy about two hours into our drive and told her to break out her air mattress. We were all very excited! We arrived that evening and got to see Ruby for a few minutes before Amy tucked her into bed. Two glorious days of giggling, chasing, baby kisses, imaginary play, coloring, snuggling and bliss. It seemed like more of a gift to me than to Amy in a lot of ways. It was really fun to make her some birthday cupcakes, get her some balloons, dinner and cool candles, as if she was 16 instead of 26. Jordan came home that night (Thursday - her birthday) and they went out and saw Harry Potter. Yesterday Jenn and I went running with Amy and the crew and then packed up again and headed home. 

I know about cutting apron strings and the importance of allowing children to grow up and become independent. I know they need to be able to live their own lives and right now Sacramento is where Amy, Jordan and their family are supposed to be. But what about the heart strings. No one seems to talk much about those. The aching I feel when I leave that sweet family... being able to still feel the sweet little hugs and hear laughter in my head and know it will be a while before my cheek is able to rest on their silky hair again. What about that tugging on my heart when, like Ruby and Olivia, I too want to be able to go through the screen when we skype and be wrapped in their arms. Then there's the pull I feel that makes me so willing to spend two days driving to see them for two days. So totally worth it. In many ways this trip was empowering. It was easy to throw a few thing in my bag and just go. Aaron and Celisa better settle within a one day drive too, because even thought the apron strings have been cut, the heartstrings are still firmly attached.

Looking Back

Twenty nine years = Five pregnancies, five children, three weddings, three missionaries, two broken legs, four sets of stitches in foreheads, one bike accident, one ambulance ride, one appendectomy and a few other surgeries, 5 cases of chicken pox and more cases of colds, flus, vomiting, carsickness and airsickness than I can count. Thousands of family dinners, lunches packed, gallons of milk, boxes of cereal, loads of laundry, floors swept and vacuumed, children tucked in, songs sung, kisses given and bandaids applied. Lots of family vacations, a few trips to Hawaii, church history trips individually with each child, a trip to London. Children away in Mexico, Romania, Germany, Brazil, and soon Argentina plus Mark gone for 2 weeks in Argentina too. Eight moves, three states, eight years of school, four BA degrees, one masters and 1 3/5 PhD's. Nine years with Mom in school. Three beautiful, fun, charming, adorable, heart-stealing grandchildren. Running, rappelling, climbing, hiking and exploring Southern Utah, tennis, aerobics, lots of biking including a few state championships, one Lotoja championship and hundreds of other bike race. Five children with drivers licenses, numerous cars, spiraling insurance rates, six cell phones on one plan.

29 years of tears, challenges, triumphs, worries, making ends meet, prayers, blessings, celebrating and pure joy than I ever thought possible...

and I'd do it all over again as long as I could do it with my best friend!

I love you Mark, thanks for 29 wonderful years.

Karen

For A Friend

Want to see something cute?
Want to help out a friend?

Go here http://www.rockymountainpower.net/env/ws/awvc/awve/awve31.html

Watch their video and vote for them...

You could win a gift card to Lowes too...

That is all.

Stepping forward

Sunday evening the air was cool and quiet as Mark and I began to walk to the park. Over the last few hours the house had quieted down. The food was put away and we had played a few hands of "Up and Down the River". As things settled down I could feel emotions building inside of me. The events of the past few days had been busy and glorious. A building of family and friends into an intensity of joy and love I have seldom felt. Now that the events were over, loved ones began to leave as regular life called us all back into our routines. But the reality began to sink deep inside me that the events of the weekend had redefined my "regular life". Rob and Cecily's wedding not only marked the start of their new life together but Christian's farewell on Sunday also marked only 10 days until Christian entered the MTC.

As dear family and friends gathered for the wedding breakfast I was touched by the love and support of so many people that  had enabled Robbie to get to this day, to be sealed in the temple to a beautiful, strong and worthy young lady. I was touched by the love and support her family offered too and felt confident that with this many people behind them they would be successful. I'm not sure when we had all the grandparents in one place before and don't know when we will have them all together again. It was a true delight. The sealing was such a sacred event and the council my dad gave them before he sealed them suited them perfectly. The reception again was filled with an outpouring of love and support from a wider circle of friends and family. 

On Sunday morning we all gathered at church to hear this young man speak in Sacrament Meeting...to share his testimony with family and friends before he goes to the MTC on July 6th. I sat in awe next to my sweetheart and marveled at the goodness and strength of this young man. I feel so very blessed to be his mother. Once again our house was filled with food, family and friends. 

As Mark and I walked that evening we talked about how much we will miss our missionary and shared tears of joy and sadness. We marveled at how our family had been blessed over the years and wondered how we have been given such amazing children. Each step seemed to ease the weight I felt. The cool breeze washed away the mournings of relationships that would be changed forever. I felt connected to one who knew best exactly what I was feeling and having a hand in mine comforted me. We returned to the house refreshed and exhausted. Tomorrow would bring a new day... one more step away from the life we had only a few days earlier and one step closer to a new and bright future for all of us.

*All pictures taken by The Wright Lens

Becoming

I've come a long way since meeting my sweetheart. 

My 30th high school reunion is this summer.

As people prepare and plan for this event I have come in contact with many people that I haven't seen in a very long time. It's interesting to get a glimpse into where choices and circumstances have taken them over the years.

I've also thought about where I was when I graduated from high school and where I am now. Many people have influenced my life but none so great as my wonderful husband. While both of us are far from perfect he really does bring out the best in me.

I believe more in my abilities and my capabilities.

I have done things and accomplished things I wasn't sure I could do.

I have learned things about the world, the gospel and myself that I'm not sure I would have learned without his love, example and encouragement. He is always there offering support when I was discouraged or frustrated. He has helped me see things more clearly, be more practical and not try to do everything. He has made me laugh, worked knots out of my back until his hands ached, and held me close when I've been sad.

I still have a lot to learn but I'm glad I don't have to do it alone.

I love you sweetie!

 

Change...

Tuesday looked like this...

Wednesday morning looked like this...

 By Wednesday afternoon it looked like this:



Tomorrow it's supposed to get up to 70...
They say there's nothing as constant as change.

We see it in the weather and seasons... babies being born and others leaving this life.

Tomorrow we celebrate the life of Kent Messenger.

We sorrow at his passing but joy in the life he lead and find comfort in our faith that we will see him again and that he and Jane Ann will be reunited again. Until then we will do our best to love and support Jane Ann as she faces the challenge of adjusting to the changes that have taken place in her life these past months and especially this past week.

This Sunday I am speaking again at the MTC about charity - the second time in about 6 weeks on the same topic. One of the things I have been pondering about is learning to see others as Heavenly Father sees them, which I think is a major part of charity.
I don't think He keeps a running list of all our faults and weaknesses so that when we mess up he can throw them in our faces.

I know that he sees our faults, but I think he focuses more on our hearts.
He sees who we truly desire to become and knows that are trying to do better
- even though we mess up and loose focus at times.
In my mind, true charity is to try to see the good in others AND
just as importantly to treat them as they have the potential to become.

I think sometimes we don't allow ourselves to see the changes in others because we see them as they were - through a lens of their faults and weaknesses. I think we also make it hard for people to change because we treat them as if they were a sum of their faults and weaknesses instead of treating them as they can become. For some reason we can't forgive and allow them to change, and even when they do change (or try to change) we miss it because we are looking through an out of focus lens.

So here is my public commitment to try a little harder to find the good in others and see others more clearly and then treat them as the children of God they really are.

(Disclaimer: I am on no way advocating for anyone to continue in a dangerous relationship, 
forgiveness is needed but so is good judgment and common sense)

Did you know...

I will be teaching Kindermusik this fall!
I LOVE Kindermusik.
We are almost done fixing up the basement and
I have finished all my training except for my practicum.
If you're interested in trying a free class go here for more information.

(and no I'm not pregnant... I've seen a lot of those lately too)

Night

Dear Sweetie,

It rained today. I lay here in the darkness waiting for sleep. Usually, when you are not here, I wait to go to bed until I am so tired that I will fall asleep the moment my head hits my pillow. I did that tonight too, but here I lay... waiting for sleep. I miss you. I miss being able to lay my head on your shoulder and feel your chin on my head. I miss the sweet smell of your skin and the warmth of you next to me. I hear strange sounds when you are not here. I breathe deeply and reassure myself that one the boys must be getting a drink... why am I not asleep? You will be home tomorrow and I am soooo glad. I'm such a baby! You hardly every travel and this is such a short trip. You would think that after almost 28 years I would have it figured out...but you are such a part of me that when you are gone I feel it, I feel... less whole. I guess I will never get used to that. Sleeeeep so that it will be tomorrow, because tomorrow will be beautiful, even if it's raining...

Until then,
I love you

A lot

It's been a while and a lot has been going on
inside our home but
also a lot inside my heart and head.
Lots of thoughts and feelings and time spent sorting through them all.

Yesterday morning while I was doing a pump class after aerobics I picked up a hand weight and felt something sharp poke my finger right near the joint.
I looked closely at my finger but couldn't see anything.
I inspected the weight and found nothing...

So I went to my spot and continued my workout.
Every once in a while though, my finger hurt again.
I would stop, look closely, scrape the skin but nothing helped.

This finger continued to feel as if it had something in it but no matter what I did I couldn't get relief. Luckily it only bothered me occasionally.
This morning as I was making breakfast it hurt again. I went upstairs and retrieved my reading glasses, tweezers and a sharp pin. Downstairs in the the bright lights of the kitchen - with the help of my glasses
I saw it...them really, two small metal slivers.

These past weeks have been full:
a trip to Mexico,
visiting with Aaron, Celisa and Olivia
then the earthquake in Haiti,
a friend in the process of dying from cancer,
wanting to help but not sure how,
a dear friend visiting,
Robbie coming home soon,
Amy, Jordan and Ruby visiting,
a week of being sick,
trying to get organized - and actually having some success
but also realizing how much there is to be done.

These past few weeks have been rich, heart wrenching and joyful
especially spending time with children and their families.
During this there have been moments when I have felt a stab of pain and heartache as I come face to face with my own weaknesses and inadequacies.
How often I have wished I was better and at the same time felt very grateful that my family and friends are so forgiving of me when I fall short.

Life is about growth and improvement.
Just like putting my glasses on gave me a clear view of the slivers,
theses past few weeks have helped me see more clearly the areas in my life that I need to work on. I feel a little more grounded and have hope that even if I never become perfect in these areas I can improve and that the pain I sometimes feel as I clearly see my imperfections will be less and less as I improve.

And really, it's hard to feel bad very long with sweetness like this in my life. I am so blessed.

This terrible, wonderful love

Whenever Mark is out of town the kids and I watch movies.

Jenn and I like to watch movies that the boys don't necessarily enjoy watching with us.
Among my very favorite is Sarah Plain and Tall.
Specifically the first and second one watched in succession.
I love to watch Sarah as she puts herself out there,
seeks to understand others and falls in love.
I love the way she is true to who she is
and they both learn to value their differences.
In Skylark (the second one) she is separated from her love for a time and when they are reunited she tries to explain how she has felt as they have been apart.
She says something like, "I never knew..., this terrible love... I just never knew"
I know exactly what she's talking about.
When you have given your heart to another and they give theirs to you,
there comes the realization that you have become such a part of them and they of you that without them you do not feel whole.
When you realize how incredibly connected and interdependent you have become
the thought of being parted from them,
for days or months or for the rest of your life
is a terrible feeling.

But at the same time I would not give up one minute
of the time I have with Mark
or any of my family to avoid this terrible love, this connectedness.
It makes me so much more thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
For the power of the priesthood on the Earth today
which can bind families together...not just for this life
but for the life after this one too... forever.
That means that any separation from my family members
will, in reality, only be temporary
because I know that when this life is over
I will have all eternity to be with them.
Never to be separated again.
That kind of love truly is wonderful.

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Mr. Rogers was right...

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood.