Friday, September 23, 2011

Getting better

Tuesday was a little rough for Mark, and I was a little anxious in the morning.
He slept and rested and I taught Kindermusik and we both felt pretty good by afternoon

Wednesday Mark rested well, napping in the morning an afternoon.
Again, I taught Kindermusik, checking on him between classes.
It was a beautiful day and in the afternoon we went for a walk around the park
and then around the block, stopping to talk and visit as we went. All in all he was up and about for probably two hours or more. Then, just for fun, and because he still felt pretty good, Jennifer drove him to the High School for some parent teacher conferences. He was tempted to go meet our new missionaries at the MTC but chose not to. Mark was tired and Aaron was arriving late that night. He would be staying with us while he attended a research conference for former Accounting students who are now in PhD programs. We were up late, too late.

Thursday morning was rough for a number of reasons: up late, rough night, and it's the third day since the crash. Turns out the doctors knew what they were talking about... the pain is worse the third day. Took it easy in the morning, good nap in the afternoon and by evening he was feeling pretty good.

Friday he was up and showered early enough to go with Aaron to the meetings at the conference. He is doing really well but as they drove away I began to feel anxious. This is the first time he's been out of the house and away from me since the accident. What if he passes out, what if he over does it...he's a big boy, and Aaron's there to keep an eye on him. He'll be OK. But I still felt anxious.

Then I started to think about him riding his bike again - not that it will be in the next week - but I know that at one point he will jump on that bike again and ride away just at he did Monday - and as he has done thousands of times. I know there are risks involved, there are risks no matter where we are or what we are doing. But right now the reality that I may loose him someday is pressing on my mind. I begin to wonder when, how will it happen? Will it begin like the call I received Monday night...only what I find when I arrive at the hospital will be different...?

I suppose this has always been the case. Really it's the same when he goes to work or I go the gym or grocery store. There are no guarantees in this life. So how to I but this fear behind me?
I know that he and I are sealed forever. While we will most likely be separated in this life at some point I know it will be a temporary separation - for this life only. And then, when we have both passed on we will be together forever, never to be apart again. I know that I'm not alone. I am surrounded by so many who love and support me and my family. 

Ultimately it comes to fear vs. faith. I need to remember to trust. Trust God. Trust that he will hear and answer my prayers and also trust that He knows not only what is best for me and for Mark but for all of God's children. I'm not saying God pulled some strings to cause the accident. We have our agency and sometimes we act in ways that hurt or injure others, God won't take away our agency. But we can repent and make it right through the atonement. And the atonement is also there to help and strengthen us through our pains, sorrows and challenges that come through our own weaknesses, through the mistakes of others or just come as part of the life experience.
And is all these trials we are never alone. That comforts me and helps me have faith. 

Chris warned me that I might feel this way
and helped me prepare for when these feelings came.
Thanks Chris... it helped me today.

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