Hmmm

Trying really hard to enjoy the Christmas season and not stress out.

Does "trying really hard" mean I'm stressing out?

Reframed and reworded:

Taking the season a day at a time asking my heart:
Is this really important?
Does this invite the spirit of Christmas into our home?
Is it causing me undue stress?
with moments of: "Will the kids be upset if we don't. Will I be? Does their opinion really count? If they are not happy will I be happy anyway? Are they willing to take over and make it work? Is there some kind of formula that can give me a definitive answer" thrown in for good measure.

Three stockings looks a little bare...

Listening to lots of David Archuleta - He sure can sing, I'm beginning to understand the obsession!, Celine Dion and a touch of Donny Osmond ("Mary did you know?") Christmas music.

Need to get the house decorated ASAP so we can hurry up and enjoy it before we have to take it all down.

Do the neighbors care if we are the only ones without lights on the house? Do I care? Do I care what the neighbors think? Do they care what I think? But I want lights on the house, I like lights on the house...

Gingerbread house? Gingerbread Provo Tabernacle? Gingerbread nativity.... but how do you do the people, they're kind of important... skip gingerbread this year?

Please ignore the lego man and his car...

We are giving family members a trip for Christmas... do I still need something under the tree? Does it count if I wrap a note with said gift and put it under the tree... is it worth the effort... will they think it's something else and be disappointed? Do I care of there is nothing under the tree?

some traditions will never go away

Is it fair to our still-at-home-in-high-school-child that she get the same your-gift-is-the-trip Christmas present as our married kids when family trips are usually already part of the deal when you are 16 or should I be doing some shopping? Is she missing out on important Christmas memories because she's the only one left at home? Do I owe it to her to continue to do all the things we used to do when all the kids were home or will she be Ok being part of the transition?

   







Nativity scenes... lots and lots of nativity scenes. The essence of Christmas.

 Especially when they provide evidence that little ones have been around.  

 Children always seem to understand what's most important.

Forty Eight

...reasons I love my life:

1 - I'm married to my best friend. 

2, 3, 4, 5, 6 - I have five completely amazing children.

7, 8, 9 - I have three wonderful people that are married to my children

10, 11, 12, and 13 (in eighteen weeks)  - the cutest most fun grand children ever.

14 - Skype, which keeps me connected to # 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12

15 - email which keeps me connected to # 5

16, 17 - wonderful parents who sacrificed much and continue to love me.

18, 19 - the wonderful people who raised my husband.

20, 21 - the spouses of my in-laws who have loved all of us.

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 - six very fun and loved Kindermusik classes who help fill the gap in my heart          because 10, 11 and 12 live far away.

28 my dear friend and neighbor who got me involved in Kindermusik.

29 - 33 awesome friends and neighbors who are like my family when mine are far away
34 - 38 extended family members who don't allow distance to create distance between us

39 - a healthy body

40 - a fairly sound mind

41 - a beautiful home

42 - a good education

43 - membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

44 - temples where I can receive inspiration and be sealed to 1-13, 16 & 17 and more
45 - ability to pray and talk to my Heavenly Father.

46 - the gift of the Holy Ghost to prompt, direct and comfort me.

47 - scriptures to guide, inspire me and answer my prayers.

48 - knowing I have a Father in Heaven and Savior who love me and care about the details of my life.

the rest will have to wait for another post.

Poisoned

I spent this weekend and part of last weekend getting our rental property ready for the next renters. Once everything had been moved out of the living room, Mark and I were not sure the carpet would be salvageable. Not only had it not been vacuumed with any regularity but I had doubts that spills had been even attempted to be cleaned up. Last week I did some research on the internet and found that red stains can often be removed by using a mixture of half hot water, half ammonia sprayed into the stain. The spot is then covered with a thick towel and a hot steam iron applied over the towel. The towel wicks up the red dye. A little scrubbing with the hot towel also helps. It works quite well, but requires repetition and patience. Five hours doing this and other spot cleaning as well as overall cleaning on the living room alone gave us hope that the carpet would come clean. This past weekend I personally spent eight hours on the carpets throughout the house, and a few more hours cleaning windows, walls, doors, baseboards. Maybe we should have just replaced the carpet... but it is only a few years old. I was very grateful for the two women that we hired to clean the kitchen and bathrooms as well as Jennifer and Mark who also put in many hours of work.

As I cleaned I had a lot of time in my head. I forgot my ear buds so I had no access to music. I found that as I cleaned I became more frustrated and angry with our renters. How could adults live in such squalor? Slobs! How could you function day to day in this mess? Irresponsible! What kind of people trash a house like this? Inconsiderate! Where do they go now - to trash another place? Users! I went from room to room gathering evidence as to the despicable nature of these people. I was sure they sublet the house (not allowed). Obviously they had a pet hamster or guinea pig or whatever (despite not pets being allowed). They were dishonest. Although there was no smell inside of cigarette smoke inside the house, washing the handles around the closet doors removed a layer of grime that made it necessary to wash the whole door and made me wonder. Ink (mostly) comes out with hairspray - rinsing with a vinegar and water mixture. Large spots of matted down carpet come clean with Oxiclean, a little dish soap and hot water saturated into the spot and gently (or not so gently) teased out with a soft scrub brush - allow to sit for 5 minutes while you go to another spot and then come back and suck it out with the carpet cleaner, rinse with vinegar and water and rinse and rinse again. Gum... well sometimes Oxiclean mixture, other times scissors, depends on how long is has been there.

By then end of the day the house looked sparkling clean and even smelled good. But I was upset and frustrated. Little things made me mad or brought me to tears. On the way home we began to talk about how much, if any of the deposit will be returned and I hit the wall. I felt sick inside. I had poisoned my own heart with all of my negative thoughts. "Enough with the negative, someone tell me something wonderful about some one!" the plea tumbled from my lips and my heart ached for the antidote. I needed to see the good in others, to have empathy or sympathy or love. I needed to feel kind, thankful, warm feelings about people. The three of us were silent for a few minutes... my poison had spread and infected the others. We finally talked about my sweet grandchildren for a few minutes, an instant fix when I need to feel some joy. It was a start but my heart was still hard and hurting. We couldn't come up with anything else (pretty pathetic state we were in), so we turned to music and I tried to focus my thoughts on the evidence all around me that life is good and people are good, kind and considerate and doing the best they can.

The next morning I was still amazed at how my heart has not fully healed and how thoughts, when dwelt upon and left unchecked, can change the way we view others, and life in general. How quickly I could loose my perspective and how much effort it was taking to get it back.

As we were driving home we passed through some road construction that caused all the traffic to be merged into one lane. Our car has one headlight that has a short and goes off and on while we drive. No one's been able to fix it for us. There were a few places where we would go back to two lanes with just enough time for the faster traffic to pass slower traffic before being merged into one lane again. At one of these passing places the car in front of us began to go very slowly. We passed him and he jumped behind us. For the next stretch of one lane highway he proceeded to flash his brights at us repeatedly (as I'm sure he assumed we had done to him).

The driver misjudged us. We laughed at the whole situation and I wonder how I had misjudged our renter(s). Maybe they truly don't know any better. Maybe they grew up being used and not taught to care. Maybe they had issues with their wiring that they haven't been able to resolve. I doubt I would rent to them again and they need to be responsible for the mess and damage, but who am I to condemn them as individuals? Especially when I have my own flaws I'm continually working on... like learning to watch my thoughts and learning not to judge others. A little bit of compassion began to work its way back in to my heart.

The Grinch... and David Archuleta

I grew up in the olden days...

you know, way back before VCR's and VHS*.

I grew up in the day where each Christmas special
was shown on TV one evening a year... 

usually at 7:00 or 8:00 on a weeknight

in December, and if you missed it...


well, Christmas just wasn't the same.

I had my favorites:


       Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

Frosty the snowman,
  and his cute friend Karen

The Little Drummer boy
who's name was Aaron...hmmm

 - Amazing how they got those figures to move like they did.
It was technology at it's finest.

And of course How the Grinch Stole Christmas. 

My love for movies with character development began early. 

Times changes though, which is a good thing.

VCR's and VHS came along allowing people to watch these treasures whenever they wanted.
Even if it wasn't Christmas time.

When Christian was 2, he and his friend Celeste loved to watch

the dog pulling the Grinch down the mountain
(just watch the first few minutes)
I always knew where they were at in the movie because
they would begin laughing hysterically.

Things continued to change as my kids grew.
Soon nobody was watching the Grinch, even at Christmas time.

When it was time to decorate the tree
I had to round up people to come and do it with me,
 schedule it way in advance... or just do it myself.

I discovered that it's not as fun to have a "decorator tree" as I thought it would be.
Over time getting ready for Christmas began to feel like a chore.
Like I was obligated to create something that no one really cared about.
I began to understand the the Grinch,
my heart felt a few sizes too small when it came to Christmas.

But what to do.

I was feeling guilty that I felt this way when a dear friend
posted this link on Facebook
(to say she is a HUGE David Archuleta fan would be gross understatement)

Twenty two seconds was all it took
My Grinchy heart began to grow again.

That was my answer.
HIS LOVE


Do the things that would help me
and those around me feel
HIS LOVE.

All the rest doesn't really matter.
The tree, the presents, all the fluff.
Turns out the Whoos had it right!



so Wahoo doraa, Da hoo doraa Welcome Christmas come this way.
(are you singing it in your head?)

I'm not sure what Christmas will look like at my house this year
but I hope that I and those around me will feel more clearly
His Love
If so, then Christmas will be a huge success.

(excuse me while I go sing the rest of the song)
 (start it at 3:30 is you want to hear it)

*you can look it up on Wikipedia if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Getting in the mood for Halloween

A little Pinterest love:

 So fun! Now I get in the mood for Halloween after most of my kids are grown and my grandkids live far away...


May just have to make the finger puppets though...

actually this was from Target.com

If I had money to burn

Or maybe more accurately - if I wasn't so cheap

I'd get these:

source

to put above my bed once the bedroom is redone.

Wouldn't it look great on a white wall with the other walls Benjamin Moore Wythe blue*?

But I think I'd want it about 30 inches across instead of 20...

source

and one of these with the initials of my grandchildren

including baby Kate of course.

source

I'd find a place to put this.

And while I'm dreaming I'll take one of these too:

I'd be OK with either one...

 not sure where I'd put it 

but if I had money to burn I'm sure I could figure something out

...maybe as an entrance to my Kindermusik studio

(yes I would keep teaching and you better believe I would use it!)

Have to get the old cheap copycat brain to work on the first two anyway...

* Benjamin Moore Wythe Blue

Midlife...

crisis contemplations. 

Fall is here in full swing. This past week we exchanged our rainy cold weather for a sunny reprieve. The leaves are dazzling and the sky is so blue. The sun is warm and inviting. But I know that Winter is just around the corner. Sometimes it's hard not to dread winter. I don't hate it but it's probably my least favorite of seasons. Early winter is fine, there is still hope of a few days of reprieve here and there. The first snowfall is still magical to this California girl. But after 12 winters in Utah I know that before long the cold will set in, the streets will be icy and the beautiful white snow will become dirty and hard. So today I have a choice. Will I enjoy every moment that is mine today? Will I sit in the sun and soak up its warmth. Will I allow my dread of winter's frozen months to rob me of joy today?
Winter will come as it always does, but some winters are late, some are mild and sometimes we even get a week or two of warm (for winter) weather causing the snow to recede and my heavy coat to be abandoned in the closet. 

And many winters come early, freeze hard and overstay their welcome. 

This year I will be 48. If I live to be 96 which most people don't, then my life is half over. It's fact. I cannot change where I am right now and I don't know what's in my future. Even though I try to take care of myself, the second half (or third or month or whatever) is an unsure thing - no guarantees. Except that at some point I will die. I will leave this life. Death and taxes... you know. 

This past Saturday my friend and her husband were the first to come upon three teenage girls who had been hit by a train. Two were killed, one is in critical condition. Somehow I don't think that they realized at age 7 or 8 that their life was half over. It was heart rending just reading about it, but I was touched by the reminder that each day is a gift. My thoughts and feelings of late seem so trivial in comparison to what their families are go through.

As I think about getting old I don't look forward to possible health problems that come to most with aging. I'm finally at the point were I need to use glasses to read smaller print and frankly I don't like it. 

Events happen that change or end lives in an instant. With some people their bodies continue on after their minds and ability to function have passed. While we should do all we can to prevent disease and stay healthy, ultimately we are not in control of so very much.

So today I need to make a choice. Do I embrace the gift of this day doing what I can to ensure that tomorrow I will be strong and able to function. I will prepare for tomorrow and next month and decades from now but try not to let dread and worry dampen this moment. This moment is a beautiful one - not perfect... the air is cooler than I'd like, my back and neck are sore this morning, I could use a nap too ... but this moment is all I have. It's what my life is made of. Single moments connected together, always moving forward unretrievable. 

Knowing that my experiences in this life are just part of a bigger whole comforts me and helps me to remember that I have many bright days a head... one way or another.

* pictures taken by Jennifer in American Fork Canyon

Recent Pins

Looking at my pinterest board I realized that the things I choose to pin say something about me and where I'm at.

Here are a few of my favorites and some feedback on some pins (recipes mostly) I have acted on.

Sisters

The first two  made me think of Aaron and Celisa. 

The first reminded me of Aaron as a toddler, maybe it's good they get a few more year of parenting experience under their belts before they have a boy... or at least get a few more sets of eyes.




Vegan, sugar free chocolate fudge.  Very easy and very yummy... probably too yummy. Sugar free does not mean low cal... probably will not be making this again very soon but not because it's not a good recipe.  

Monster cupcakes! How totally cute. I bought candy corns to make these I just need someone to give them to... I don't want them around the house. Any takers?








Butternut squash gnocchi with sage and browned butter. I have everything to make this... I was told that a food mill can be used in place of a ricer...maybe this weekend.                    




Roasted broccoli... it seems everything is getting roasted these days. Before you scroll down really fast I have to tell you, it was really good. We ate the first batch (ok it was mostly me but Jenn liked it too) I think Mark ate some too but I don't remember. So I bought the Costco pack of broccoli for my next batch. Turned out great again, even warmed up later... but I must tell you it is possible to eat too much broccoli in one day...

And then I will just leave you with a thought.  Do our actions really show what our highest priorities are?

Meet Nina

This is Nina.

Yes, we took her surfing on her first non Sunday day here

She's from a small village just outside of Meissen, Germany

link here

She is staying with us for two weeks as part of our high school's German exchange program. Christian when to Meissen two years ago last Summer and we hosted Tillman two years ago. Jennifer will go after her senior year.

.... Ok, so we didn't go surfing but we did to the closest thing we have in Provo, the Provo Beach Resort. Unfortunately the surf simulator was not working so the girls settled for a few surfing pictures and resorted to going on the ropes course. The top of it is three stories high. They were a little hesitant at first but quickly become pros.

 

We all tried our hand at skeeball. 

Some were more.... enthusiastic than others...

 

We walked around Riverwoods mall as it sprinkled. The lights reflected on the ground made it look magical.... I'll have to see if I can get a picture from Nina. Funny how sometimes it takes visitors to get me out discovering Provo. We are looking forward to a fun visit.

A good day

I had a hard time getting up this morning.
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.
When I did get to sleep I had a dream...
I dreamt I was having a hard time getting to sleep.
It woke me up...
and then I couldn't figure out if it was real or a dream.
It bothered me...
until I looked at the clock
and realized that I must have been sleeping...
but now I was awake again.

As Jenn and Nina
(I will introduce you to our German exchange student soon)
left for school,
this view greeted me from the front window
and reassured me that it will be a good day...

Especially if I get a nap.

Today

Today it's raining AGAIN

And it's cold STILL

My tomato plants are sitting by the window in the family room

wishing for a warm sunny day 

and room to spread their roots beyond the confines of their plastic pots.

Me too - at least about the sunny warm day. 

I love warm sunny days.

My morning was filled with music and giggles and dancing...

hugs and "tank yous" from little ones I've had the privilege 

of watching grow over the last year or so.

My first year of Kindermusik is over. 

How I love it when my home is filled with little people.

and now I sit in my quiet home 

I love it when my house it quiet.

by myself

 left to ponder life's complexities...

Why is the grass longer under the trampoline than elsewhere?

Do I have any drywall mud that's still usable?

Should I paint when Mark and I go to St. George tomorrow

 or just take a good book?

I really ought to do laundry and iron...

Next week is Jenn's last week of school

I love summer time

then EFY, then to Nauvoo with Mark, then Trek, 

then the wedding.

My life seems to be measured more by events than days or weeks.

The wedding - lots of family coming.

I love it when my house if full of the people I love.

What to fix for dinner for everyone? 

Where will they all sleep?

What can I get done around here before they come?

Christian's non farewell farewell on the 26th.

He needs some good shoes for his mission... 

and shirts, ties and a sleeping bag.

I love that he is so excited to serve a mission.

Into the MTC on July 6th.

Surely it will be warm by then.

Probably HOT

but then again, I thought it would be warm by now...

But right now it's snowing in the mountians!

We'll probably miss Spring completely.

Straight from the heater to the AC

and flooding

and mudslides...

At least in the summer

at least we can open the house at night.

Utah has lovely summer evenings...

I love Utah Summers

I need to get an outfit for the wedding...

I wonder if that sweater I liked will go on sale

 or if I should get it before it sells out...

hmmmmmmmm

I love my life.

Even when it's cold and rainy.

Looking a little pasty?

For all the sixteenish (or twentysixish) people in my life....

A few years back a sweet woman in our ward lost her battle with skin cancer

caused, she said, by frequenting a tanning bed.

She missed her daughters senior year of high school and everything after that.

Maybe looking a little pasty isn't so bad after all.

Healthier desserts

Those who know me well know that I love desserts, especially chocolate.

Eating a lot of sweets definitely does not help me maintain my weight but the thought of giving them up forever often feels daunting and impossible. 

Ever since Amy shared with me her awesome recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip cookies I have been experimenting with lots of other recipes/combinations to make desserts (or snacks) healthier.

I wouldn't exactly call them health food but healthier food.

Time for me to get back to Weight Watchers, but if I can have these when I'm back where I want to be and a few pumpkin cookies on the way success will be that much sweeter!

Brownie recipe here.