Saturday, April 18, 2009

Unexpected Reaction

I walked out of the testing center Friday and into the sunshine. The sky was blue and beautiful, most of the snow from earlier in the week was gone. I took a deep breath, let it out ... and tears began to make their way down my cheeks. WHAT? I was supposed to feel this great joy and relief, I thought for sure I would want to whoop and holler dancing all the way to my car. Instead the tears came faster and I had to suppress a little sob as I searched in my backpack for a kleenex. I’m not even sure what I was feeling. A let down for sure. But also immense gratitude for 9 years of support from my family. Gratitude for the opportunity to attend classes at this amazing University. Gratitude for all I have learned and how it’s made me a better person for having been here. I think I also felt a little apprehension with THE BIG QUESTION, “Now what?” I’ve been a student for so long that it’s become a part of who I am and now it’s over - is it really over? maybe, maybe not - but right now it feels a bit silly is that. I’m 45 years old for heaven sake, I should have been done with this long ago. But again THE question, “Now what?” It’s not like I haven’t considered this question. I actually have a list a mile long to do with my extra 10 hours a week. But that was always an “in the future” question, “What will I do when...?” suddenly it’s NOW, What will I do NOW?

Maybe it’s that this day, this moment marks the beginning of a great crescendo that will, as most crescendo’s do, end in a diminuendo. (those piano lessons were not completely wasted.) I’m done with my final... it begins to build, Aaron and Jordan are done, ...building, Grandparents (of my kids) come, building, building... we walk at graduation...building, big time party, still going up but slightly slowing, Celisa and Aaron bring Olivia into the world (Celisa, feel free to do this any time you want, it does not need to fit in here)
We are on top of this great wave!
then it starts... Grandparents return home, we begin the descent,
Amy, Jordan and Ruby move, down down down we go,
Glorious summer, level a bit...
Aaron, Celisa and Olivia move, down down down.
The kids and Mark go back to school
and I....
AND I will ....

Reorganize, texture, paint, redecorate, clean, read anything I want, write, go on trips with my best friend (and hubby), sew, stamp, send tons of packages to my granddaughters, skype, blog, create and try all kinds of new recipes, prepare for my missionary to come home, plan trips to Sacramento, Illinois, Kauai, Arizona, play tennis, do aerobics, take up yoga (again), complete all my Sudoku books.... what was I worried about?

It it too late to run around and whoop and holler?


Tracy said...

Never too late to run around and whoop and holler! :) Congrats!

allegra said...

congrats on graduating!!! that is amazing!! life is a roller coaster, isn't it? enjoy some more of your free time. and, don't worry. now you get to have some fun trips in the future to visit your grand babies. it's all good!

Karen said...

Thanks for your comments. It was a strange day but I'm ready for the next step.